filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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