Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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