You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
