if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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