Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
