so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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