I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
