Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
