Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
