I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
