when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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