Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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