A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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