I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
