If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
