I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
