She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
