I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
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