Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
