please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
