One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
