Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
