Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
