Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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