Your mouth is God's brothel.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
