I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
