So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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