My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
