she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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