btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
