Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
did i just pee glitter
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