I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
