am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why do cheetos always look like penises
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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