I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
