I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
