some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
