You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
