Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
