I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
