My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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