The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
