this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The uberlube is also flammable
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
