My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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