Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
