just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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