Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
