omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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