He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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