Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
