last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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