lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"