I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.