my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
