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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
