I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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