Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
