I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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