Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
