Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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