I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
