I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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