i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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