Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is Oprah even human
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
