I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
