Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
