I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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