Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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