sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
