i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
