I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
